Where ya been?

Sorry Barnyard... I've been busy hanging with my other blog:  http://coreeqlifecoach.blogspot.com

I'm hoping to get back to you or even better, I'm planning on you being a real book someday.  Hang in there, you are close to my heart and under my feet.

Rain

 

When it rains after a long dry spell, the grass and dirt smell like wealth to me.  Everything at first sucks in it's stomach against the shock of the cold until the warmth of their bodies find a middle ground between the cold of the sky and the heat of the sun. 

And then

everything seems to take a deep breath and soak in one more day of life.

Mother, May I?

Remember this?

I wanna cookie!!!”

“Ask nicely.”

“Can I have a cookie?”

“Please…”

Sigh, “May I please have a cookie?”

“Not now, you are about to have dinner.”

Did you think you didn’t get the cookie because you didn’t want it enough? That you, in some deep part of your soul, either didn’t have enough belief in the cookie? Perhaps you didn’t get the cookie because you didn’t say it in just the right way. Or maybe, your mother knows better than you do what is best for you in the long run. Maybe you aren’t vibrating the right energy to match the cookie’s vibrations. Maybe if I had been raised to believe in Christ as my Saviour I would have gotten a cookie. Or maybe Mohammed? Venus? Zeus??!!! What kind of sacrifices does a kid gotta make to get a damn cookie!!!!

Do you think George W got the cookie when he asked for it?

Maybe there wouldn’t be a world financial crisis if we just had gotten the cookie or if our mothers had said, “Here, you can have the cookie. But you can’t eat it now. This is the only cookie you get for the whole day. So if you eat it now, you won’t have it for later.”

Are you still trying to figure out how to get the cookie?

And if you have figured it out, does that mean you need a glass of milk now?

I think I will advertise myself as a Cookie Coach.

Overwhelm

This is a big tree.

Or maybe these are little people.

Is there too much out there?

Or not enough of me in here?

If out there, then I'll take smaller bites.

If in here, then I'll think bigger thoughts.

It is just a tree.

I'm only me.

Full Stop

Sometimes it all seems pointless.

Writing this blog; putting my name out there; working my horses; getting up in the morning.

Whatever.

And yet, here I am again- starting over.

There's a tenacity to living. I can't get away from it.

And so, here I am again.

Hello me, did you miss me?

Letter to a frustrated artist

You recently asked me why it is that you should do what you love if it didn’t pay the bills.

Logic is very important. So follow my logic here if you will.
You want to make money from your creativity. Thus you wish to be paid for doing the work that you love (your work). To be paid for one's work is to be employed
If you are an employee, then you have to show up for work in order to get paid.
If the spirits are your employer, then you have to show up for the spirits in order to get paid by the spirits.
Are you a good employee?
If you were your own employer- how would you rate your job performance and character?
Would you hire yourself to do your work for you?
Do you show up for your work every day no matter what? Do you know what your job requirements are? What your work is? Are you consistent, reliable and professional especially when times are bad and it seems there is no point? Are you a cheerful, grateful, pro-active team player? Do you finish what you start and put in your best at all times?
And most importantly, do you love what you do and the company for whom you work so much that you would be willing to do the work for a delayed reward just to see it work out?
Or do you complain and feel you deserve more; are you inconsistent and unreliable; do you blame others for failures; do you bag it when there is no paycheck; do you grumble when it is boring and difficult; do you leave work early and say you did the work?
You get my drift.
 I have flaked, bailed, whined and basically been a bad worker for most of my life. I have been a prima donna, a rebel, a flake, a saboteur. I have intentionally undermined and manipulated so as to not be challenged. I have been a terrible employee.  I worried that until I knew why, there was no point in doing anything. 
I don't know why I am farming, but by farming, I am learning why. I have discovered that why isn't a pre-requisite for doing;  it is a consequence of action. Doing my work is becoming its own reward and so I am becoming a partner with my spirits rather than their employee.
Luckily, just showing up no matter what is very important to the spirits.
Sometimes I think they throw us a tough one to test us for promotion. Will Renee show up for her work the way she shows up to do the chores even when she thinks it is going nowhere?
One thing I am learning is that my view on life is better when I think about being rewarded for my efforts rather than getting paid for work done.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I continue to show up- regardless but most especially when it is hard- that I will be doing my work and being substantially rewarded for it.
One of my rewards is our relationship. Hence, my showing up in my life has made us better over the past year. The farm itself is my other reward. Every time the wind caresses my skin and dries my tears, I am being rewarded for feeling.  The food I eat, the animals I love, the horses I ride, my friends…
In exchange for loving life and doing my work, I will be given the life I need to have to continue to love life and to do my work. You, them, the land, financial and social recognition, etc.- it will happen- but only if I just show up no matter what.
In other words, doing something with your life is your work.
Your work requirements are to live well and to do magnificent things with your skills. Learning, teaching, sharing, doing and being there for others as well as for yourself are part of your job description.
It is not the spirits job to provide you with the perfect workplace, all the time in the world etc. You have been given more than most in fact. It is your job to make your work space productive- they are not office maids.
I think there are only three doors to choose from- no matter the situation. No, Maybe, Yes. I have lived in Maybe for way too long. I am trying Yes and it is pretty nice. The bosses seem to agree with me.
I have to get back to work because I have a long way to go before I get that corner office...

responsibility free living

A year ago I gave up something and it was amazing...

I gave up being responsible for everything in my life.

In so doing I ended up taking the responsibility for knowing when something was
a) not my fault.
b) completely out of my control.
c) and it helped me to know when I was being victimized thereby enabling me to take appropriate action rather than just taking it.

A) For example, when I go up to feed my cows and see they look thin. I am upset. I feel responsible and like a failure. I want to make it better and resolve to do so. My day goes grey and I feel angry and frustrated.

However, upon closer examination I see that they are standing on piles of hay which they have decided is simply not good enough since it is not from the good bale they remember having the day before, it has been slept on and so is now to be considered bedding not feed, and while they thought it was exciting when it came from the new bale they now suspect that they were much happier with the familiar bale. Very bovine behavior.

Their not eating the hay I provide is not my fault.

B) It is my grandmother's 95th birthday. It has been planned for months. It is a BIG deal. A half-hour before I am supposed to be at the dinner, the pig decides that it is the right time to go into labor. A pig in labor is a thing to be held in awe, but I will save that for another time. I miss the dinner, but save 3 piglets from being squished and am a great comfort to the almighty Aurora Borealis. We both have a shot of cherry brandy and fall into a deep sleep.

Totally out of my control.

C) I walk into the horse pen to put their blankets on and in the process I get a swift kick on my knee. The 2 year old filly thought I was another horse sticking its nose where it had no right to go. She was reprimanded and reminded that she has to be careful when I am around her. It had nothing to do with me, other than my being there, and so in this situation I felt I was the victim and she the perpetrator.

Naturally every one of these situations could be turned around to show that I could feed the cows differently, could have walked away from the pig, and should have known better than to be around horses in the first place. But what would doing so benefit? I would become a slave to bovine temperament, have felt incredible guilt and sorrow about the piglets, and I can't imagine life without my horses.

The benefit of letting go of responsibility in these situations is as follows:
The cows now eat everything they are given and have put weight on, my family has come to understand that real life has its own agenda, I have one of those little piglets 5 years later, and Lila (said filly) has better manners and awareness, I have the freedom to chose my actions instead of the feeling that every choice leads to some negative consequence.


I think it is important to honor the power and value of blame as part of the process to empowerment. It is important to go through the anger of blame as I think it helps lead us to action. It needs to be honored and then transformed. By placing appropriate "blame" on a situation we can facilitate change of the situation. Simultaneously taking responsibility for our PARTICIPATION in the situation enables us to change our behavior as well as the circumstances surrounding the event.

Letting go of responsibility has freed me to have many more options as to how I want to react in any given situation.

I highly recommend it.