words to Hope Clark I need to remember for me

From a comment I made to C.Hope Clark's blog on 7/10/14 

http://chopeclark.com/2014/07/just-seeing-the-wrong/#comments

As long as I keep my focus on the craft- whether it’s writing this, reading a book, trying to figure out how to describe the clouds or grass, or writing my stories- I’m good with me and the world: virtual and real. When I feel that way I open the door to some online thing and challenge myself. Then I head for the hills until I’ve made what I learned from others into something that is MINE.

I think people assume confidence, motivation, passion, purpose, etc. are things that are just there and if they aren’t then there’s something wrong with us. But I see them as muscles that need to be trained and which need time to rest and recover after a good workout. Or like a bank account into which we put good result and withdraw the above after a bad experience. Doing something new or big is actually a huge withdrawal of energy/confidence etc. So it makes sense that we need to step back and do only those things which fulfill us. Like gardening for you and disappearing from human reality for me.

I also think that we start making stupid proofreading mistakes and the like when our smarter selves (the banker/trainer) is trying to tell us to take a break and recover or go do something totally unrelated. It happens to burnt-out jocks all the time.

I guess what I am trying to say is forgive yourself for all that you haven’t done and more importantly, forgive yourself for all you will never do.

Overwhelm

This is a big tree.

Or maybe these are little people.

Is there too much out there?

Or not enough of me in here?

If out there, then I'll take smaller bites.

If in here, then I'll think bigger thoughts.

It is just a tree.

I'm only me.

Letter to a frustrated artist

You recently asked me why it is that you should do what you love if it didn’t pay the bills.

Logic is very important. So follow my logic here if you will.
You want to make money from your creativity. Thus you wish to be paid for doing the work that you love (your work). To be paid for one's work is to be employed
If you are an employee, then you have to show up for work in order to get paid.
If the spirits are your employer, then you have to show up for the spirits in order to get paid by the spirits.
Are you a good employee?
If you were your own employer- how would you rate your job performance and character?
Would you hire yourself to do your work for you?
Do you show up for your work every day no matter what? Do you know what your job requirements are? What your work is? Are you consistent, reliable and professional especially when times are bad and it seems there is no point? Are you a cheerful, grateful, pro-active team player? Do you finish what you start and put in your best at all times?
And most importantly, do you love what you do and the company for whom you work so much that you would be willing to do the work for a delayed reward just to see it work out?
Or do you complain and feel you deserve more; are you inconsistent and unreliable; do you blame others for failures; do you bag it when there is no paycheck; do you grumble when it is boring and difficult; do you leave work early and say you did the work?
You get my drift.
 I have flaked, bailed, whined and basically been a bad worker for most of my life. I have been a prima donna, a rebel, a flake, a saboteur. I have intentionally undermined and manipulated so as to not be challenged. I have been a terrible employee.  I worried that until I knew why, there was no point in doing anything. 
I don't know why I am farming, but by farming, I am learning why. I have discovered that why isn't a pre-requisite for doing;  it is a consequence of action. Doing my work is becoming its own reward and so I am becoming a partner with my spirits rather than their employee.
Luckily, just showing up no matter what is very important to the spirits.
Sometimes I think they throw us a tough one to test us for promotion. Will Renee show up for her work the way she shows up to do the chores even when she thinks it is going nowhere?
One thing I am learning is that my view on life is better when I think about being rewarded for my efforts rather than getting paid for work done.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I continue to show up- regardless but most especially when it is hard- that I will be doing my work and being substantially rewarded for it.
One of my rewards is our relationship. Hence, my showing up in my life has made us better over the past year. The farm itself is my other reward. Every time the wind caresses my skin and dries my tears, I am being rewarded for feeling.  The food I eat, the animals I love, the horses I ride, my friends…
In exchange for loving life and doing my work, I will be given the life I need to have to continue to love life and to do my work. You, them, the land, financial and social recognition, etc.- it will happen- but only if I just show up no matter what.
In other words, doing something with your life is your work.
Your work requirements are to live well and to do magnificent things with your skills. Learning, teaching, sharing, doing and being there for others as well as for yourself are part of your job description.
It is not the spirits job to provide you with the perfect workplace, all the time in the world etc. You have been given more than most in fact. It is your job to make your work space productive- they are not office maids.
I think there are only three doors to choose from- no matter the situation. No, Maybe, Yes. I have lived in Maybe for way too long. I am trying Yes and it is pretty nice. The bosses seem to agree with me.
I have to get back to work because I have a long way to go before I get that corner office...

responsibility free living

A year ago I gave up something and it was amazing...

I gave up being responsible for everything in my life.

In so doing I ended up taking the responsibility for knowing when something was
a) not my fault.
b) completely out of my control.
c) and it helped me to know when I was being victimized thereby enabling me to take appropriate action rather than just taking it.

A) For example, when I go up to feed my cows and see they look thin. I am upset. I feel responsible and like a failure. I want to make it better and resolve to do so. My day goes grey and I feel angry and frustrated.

However, upon closer examination I see that they are standing on piles of hay which they have decided is simply not good enough since it is not from the good bale they remember having the day before, it has been slept on and so is now to be considered bedding not feed, and while they thought it was exciting when it came from the new bale they now suspect that they were much happier with the familiar bale. Very bovine behavior.

Their not eating the hay I provide is not my fault.

B) It is my grandmother's 95th birthday. It has been planned for months. It is a BIG deal. A half-hour before I am supposed to be at the dinner, the pig decides that it is the right time to go into labor. A pig in labor is a thing to be held in awe, but I will save that for another time. I miss the dinner, but save 3 piglets from being squished and am a great comfort to the almighty Aurora Borealis. We both have a shot of cherry brandy and fall into a deep sleep.

Totally out of my control.

C) I walk into the horse pen to put their blankets on and in the process I get a swift kick on my knee. The 2 year old filly thought I was another horse sticking its nose where it had no right to go. She was reprimanded and reminded that she has to be careful when I am around her. It had nothing to do with me, other than my being there, and so in this situation I felt I was the victim and she the perpetrator.

Naturally every one of these situations could be turned around to show that I could feed the cows differently, could have walked away from the pig, and should have known better than to be around horses in the first place. But what would doing so benefit? I would become a slave to bovine temperament, have felt incredible guilt and sorrow about the piglets, and I can't imagine life without my horses.

The benefit of letting go of responsibility in these situations is as follows:
The cows now eat everything they are given and have put weight on, my family has come to understand that real life has its own agenda, I have one of those little piglets 5 years later, and Lila (said filly) has better manners and awareness, I have the freedom to chose my actions instead of the feeling that every choice leads to some negative consequence.


I think it is important to honor the power and value of blame as part of the process to empowerment. It is important to go through the anger of blame as I think it helps lead us to action. It needs to be honored and then transformed. By placing appropriate "blame" on a situation we can facilitate change of the situation. Simultaneously taking responsibility for our PARTICIPATION in the situation enables us to change our behavior as well as the circumstances surrounding the event.

Letting go of responsibility has freed me to have many more options as to how I want to react in any given situation.

I highly recommend it.

the meaning of life with no purpose

A key component of this module has to do with clarifying your purpose. Frankly, the question "what is your life purpose" totally confuses me. I have spent so many years and dollars trying to come up with a good answer and have never managed to peg it down.

So today I decided to give up on it. I don't think it is necessary to have a "purpose" and I wonder if it is even up to us to determine our life purpose. Isn't that something that other people either tell us or confirm? That's been my experience. How can I say what I am to another person? All I can do is express my intention and hope that we find some degree of agreement and understanding. Who I am is what I do.

Purpose? I have no idea.

What I do have is a deep sense of DIRECTION determined by a visceral sense of my values. This I KNOW.

I can feel this mysterious purpose but any attempt to verbalize, visualize or verify it leads to mental static, depression and frustration. It makes me feel like I should and am lacking because I can't. Anyone else out there experience this?

It turns out that the three people to whom I brought this up knew exactly what I meant. All three are artists, tend to think out of the box and are much more philosophical than pragmatic about life.

We all agreed that we "knew" the answer, could feel it ache in our bones, feel the heat of it in our hearts and were basically incapable of behaving in any way that went contrary to that deep feeling. How could this be then that we could not answer the question?

What I discovered is that when you ask a creative person "why are you making this painting" (as in- what is it's purpose?) they shut down, lose their vision, their motivation and in fact go totally negative.

On the other hand, when I asked them why they want to paint (as in what motivates you to paint) they were suddenly able to expresses powerfully what painting meant to them, how it made them feel, what it was about the image that captured them, and where they wanted to go with it. They came alive. They felt connected and purpose-full.

I followed this with "what is your life purpose?" thinking that the previous excitement would guide them. They went numb again.

So I then rephrased it by stating- "what direction would you like your art to take and how does it fit in with your life purpose?"

All three were able to say basically the same thing which I have been saying my whole life about horses and philosophy (my form of coaching). "I don't know how it fits, but I love it and it is all I want to do and I don't care why or where it takes me. But I do know that I want to be really invested, or true to my vision, or connected etc."

Fascinating and liberating!

So for those of you who are unable to answer the question "what is your purpose", take heart- because it is in your heart and it doesn't need to be verbalized. If you can't say it, it is probably because you live it so completely that you can't separate it from who you are. We have the answer, we just aren't being asked the right question.

For those of you with people like this as clients or members of your inner circle- here are some ways to support people like me:

*Be interested in the what and how more than the why for paint?

*When we get down, plug us back into the "why to paint" because we are probably trying to justify our actions by coming up with a good reason for our self-expression.

*When we are done, help us to recognize and to remember the deeper reasons why we do what we love to do. Show us how it fits, or expresses the greatness of us and most of all, be moved. Tell us how our bravery makes a difference to you, that who we are is there in what we do and it is good, valuable, important. We will want to know "why?" or "how exactly?" so you had better be prepared to have a real answer.

We want to share in a deep, true and honest way. We want to be recognized in the product of our labors.

*Then help us to connect the dots backwards. Help us to see how what came before led to now, and then plug us into wonder and curiosity about what might be around the corner. Get us moving before we start thinking about $, fame,etc. We live in our work.

*See us and what we do as brilliant, bold, intentional, amazing, unique and worthy of existence for no other reason than the pleasure it gives for simply existing. This lets us know it matters. It has purpose, even though we can't say what that purpose is.

By giving up needing to know the purpose/the why, I have discovered that purpose isn't a pre-requisite for doing, rather it is a consequence of action taken. I'll know why when I'm done.

Just do it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

Primordial OOZE

Meet Tiktaalik. You may not know it, but this is a picture of your resistance to change. Actually, this is several steps beyond your first notion of resistance, but it is the first provable specimen of how it feels to change something major in one's life.

Say what?

Imagine life in the Primordial Ooze. It is water, possibly getting thick with algae, crowded with millenia of species perfectly adapted to the ooze, maybe it's a little rank but nonetheless, it is home. It is comfortable, it is what you have known literally Forever. But, inside you there is something saying "there's gotta be more to life than ooze." So you take the first step. You leave the water.

Have you ever sat in the tub and let the water run out? Did you notice how heavy you got? How it felt like a great weight was pressing down on you? Or have you stepped out into a gale of wind and had your breath whipped right out of your lungs, drying your mouth and eyes, clogging your nose? How about sunburn? Chapped lips?

Think about how that first creature must have experienced itself when it first left the water. The crushing pressure, the drying air, the extreme changes in temperature and suddenly it could no longer glide or go with the flow. It had to move step by step all on its own. Imagine the difference! But mostly can you imagine how heavy it's body must have felt? Like walking through a wall with a thousand bricks on your back. Why did it go on against so much resistance?

See where I am going with this?

I bet there must have been hundreds of individuals who weren't ready for the change and who simply died before they got their feet on the ground. Maybe the few that made it were laid as eggs at the edge of the water and as the water dropped their genes responded differently than the generations before, thereby creating an individual already adapted to the New World. (This is adaptive radiation theory and more can be learned from the February 2009 National Geographic - I hope to write more about this later)

However it happened, the first creature to leave the Primoridal Ooze didn't just do it. It wasn't a moment of inspired determination or even a leap of faith. It wasn't even a matter of discipline or commitment. Perhaps there was a drive and maybe there was a vision. There definitely had to be intention involved- the intention to survive? to eat? to lay eggs? Or maybe it was just time. Whatever the reason those first creatures must have felt something pulling them that was stronger than the resistance they faced.

Maybe they really dug the resistance!

Maybe it felt good to really feel themselves defined not by the motion of water but rather by the power of their own movement against something invisible. Think how cool it must have been to not always be reacting to all that is communicated in the water. Why a stone could drop and it wouldn't affect Tiktaalik one bit!

Tiktaalik was suddenly her own self. (It had to have been a female because a female's genes mutate thousands of times faster than males' and her offspring would be quicker to adapt to the new environment. She could go back to the water to get some sperm and then move to the land to have her eggs.)

So this is the girl I think about when I come up against my own resistance. It does seem to come from deep inside me, like some Primordial Ooze, and it seems so powerful. It makes me want to crawl back into that soft, rocking, warm and comfortable place. It makes it difficult to see to the other side. It makes my body heavy and my brain foggy. Anyone able to relate?

So why push on to the other side?

Tiktaalik tells me that it takes time, right timing, several hundreds of small-seemingly insignificant steps and changes that add up to just the strengths needed to survive on land, and it takes drive. She tells me that if I listen deep inside, beyond that murky layer of scum at the edge of mud there is a LAND full of opportunity, safety and new sensations. She tells me that my eggs/ideas will do better out there than back there. She says in her croaky watery dry air voice, "Go girl! go!"

And then with a twinkle in her eye she adds, "watch those first few steps, they are a doozy. But don't worry, it gets easier after that."

That pesky glass

My last post saw Renee in her less than happy mode.

Things happen. Sometimes it is personal, most of the time not. It is the times that are not personal that are interesting to me because so much of my upbringing in the "create your reality" 1980's and '90's wants to desperately believe that the Universe spins its web purely for my edification. That somehow I made that horse kick, thereby enabling me to live in denial of that particular individual's own drives. In a perfect world, this was meant to happen. Besides, if it were a result of my vibrations then I could believe her to be trustworthy. But, alas she is a horse and a horse is a horse no matter the breed. Horses kick.

So I got kicked and now I have to work on her awareness of my insignificant and fragile body so that she will be careful when I am around her. Blame in this instance is perfectly appropriate. It directs action, it places consequences upon the proper source and it frees me to spend my time correcting the situation rather than puzzling over what it is my spirit might be trying to tell me.

I often wondered where responsibility became creativity in the philosophy of Attraction? Anyhow, it doesn't seem to hold much salt with the non-human species I have interacted with. Frankly my dear, they don't give a damn- they just do.

So, what's with the glass?

Half-full or Half-empty.

Standard enough metaphor. Used by countless optimists to prove their superiority to countless pessimists. If you are a half-full person then you are supposed to see openings; half-empty sees the world as lacking. I've been a half-full girl my whole life- after all "turn manure into gold" is my motto. Turns out I have been a judgmental and silly girl. You see, my partner- the oft misunderstood Denise, is a half-empty girl. Nothing is ever enough! You can imagine the fights we have had.

One day I decided to do what I always do when we fight. I let her be right and then I open my mind to the consequences. In this particular situation, half-empty meant that there was room for MORE liquid in the glass and half-full meant that the glass was just fine thank you very much. In a later, more enjoyable moment with Denise we discussed other areas in which half-full may be not so desirable. Half-full diaper being the most picturesque. Although half-empty wouldn't really be so wonderful either.

To translate into practical coaching: if your diaper is half-full so you see your world as perfect (ala The Law of Attraction) , then you are welcome to sit in your own mess as long as you like. You are the one who is responsible for the diaper after all. Similarly, if your diaper is half-empty but it is the only diaper you have, then maybe it will do for a little while until you can get another.

So my answer to the riddle?
Depends.